The Bible Abridged
The Christian Bible: the book of stories and guidelines that shaped the western and, in a lot of ways, the whole world. And it's completely nuts. I go through the "holy" texts and retell the stories in all their crazy nonsense for the world to see just how nuts they all actually are.
Episodes
56 episodes since 2022
Ep 55 - The Fall of Absalom
David (having been overthrown by his very hairy and sexy son) was staying out in the wilderness a few miles from Jerusalem. He started making friends with the locals and he, alongside his loyalists, started building an army up, just in case Abs...
February 26, 2024
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Season 10
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Episode 5
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8:00
Ep 54 - The Rise of Absalom
After Absalom's brother rapes their sister, he has him killed. David is upset about this for some reason and Absalom is banished out... like 10 miles away. David's General, Joab, convinces David to allow Absalom to return after a few years and ...
February 17, 2024
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Season 10
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Episode 4
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8:06
Ep 53 - David and Bathsheba
When King David learned that their rival neighbors, who the Israelites had allegedly already wiped off the face of the Earth twice, the Ammonites, had lost their king, he decided to send a couple diplomats over to pay his respects. When the dip...
February 05, 2024
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Season 10
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Episode 3
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7:22
Ep 52 - Israel and Judah Unite.
As soon as General Abner died, two raider gang leaders decided to regicide Ish-Bosheth, making Israel temporarily king-less. Soon after, however, they all swore allediance to King David and poured oil all over his head. David thanked the raider...
January 28, 2024
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Season 10
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Episode 2
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8:06
Ep 51 - King David and the Civil War
News comes to David that Saul and Jonathan are dead. David tears his clothes off, mourns, has the messenger killed, sings a song for them, and then returns to Hebron in Judah. Upon arrival in Judah, oil is dumped all over his head and word spre...
December 18, 2023
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Season 10
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Episode 1
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9:58
Ep 50 - David and Saul pt 4
David flees Saul once again, going to live near Gath with all his loyal soldiers. They raid villages and kill everyone inside from time to time, because they're the good guys in this story. Meanwhile, The Philistine armies all join forces to in...
December 11, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 8
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8:22
Ep 49 - David and Saul pt 3
Saul chased David all over creation (or the land they thought was all of creation, but in reality it was like the size of Rhode Island.) When Saul finally caught up to him, the Philistines invaded. After Saul sent them packing he went and track...
October 22, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 7
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8:46
Ep 48 - David and Saul pt 2
David continues to hide from Saul as Saul continues to hunt for him. Jonathan, not convinced his dad would be such an asshole as to kill his most loyal soldier for no reason whatsoever, agreed to go and run an experiment to see if that was actu...
October 15, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 6
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7:51
Ep 47 - David and Saul pt 1
After David killed Goliath, Saul's son, Jonathan, fell in love with him and they may or may not have totally banged. It's not written. What is written is that for no reason whatsoever, God decided to send an evil spirit to possess Saul and make...
August 14, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 5
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8:11
Ep 46 - David & Goliath
Samuel went and found a guy named Jesse and poured olive oil all over his youngest son's head. At the same time, there was a scary Philistine who stood almost ten feet tall (if the story is to be believed, which it isn't.) David, with his new c...
August 06, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 4
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7:37
Ep 45 - The Begin of the Fall of Saul
Saul finds himself being inept at leading, mostly because he keeps pissing God off by not being super meticulous with how he kills animals and sets them on fire. This causes Israel to be conquered by the Philistines once again until Saul's son ...
July 24, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 3
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7:57
Ep 44 - The Rise of Saul
Samuel and God bitch about how much the Israelites don't appreciate them or their broken system and finally decide to appoint a king. Samuel finds a sexy Benjamite named Saul, who's handsome and tall. Yes this Saul has it all. As long as all yo...
July 17, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 2
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8:19
Ep 43 - The Birth and Rise of Samuel
A young woman named Hannah is so desperate to have a baby that she swears that if she could just give birth, she'll give the baby right over to the priest and he can raise him. Once this baby has grown into a man (or at least boy) ...
July 10, 2023
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Season 9
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Episode 1
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7:22
Ep 42 - Ruth (or How to Snag a Husband in Ancient Times)
After the unpleasantness of the end of Judges, a famine struck Judah and a bunch of people were forced to flee. One of these ladies, Naomi, left with her husband and two sons. Her sons married women named Orpah and Ruth and... every male charac...
May 26, 2023
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Season 8
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Episode 1
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5:38
Ep 41 - The Age of Chaos in Israel
After Samson died, the whole region of Israel fell into complete chaos. The descendants of Dan started raiding villages and eventually took over a part of Ephraim, the Benjamites were fighting and killing for their right to rape women to death,...
May 08, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 5
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7:57
Ep 40 - The Epic Story of Samson (part 2)
Samson is arrested by 1,000 soldiers for his crime of murdering several dozen people. He agrees to go peacefully at first, but then God decides to fill him with a blood rage that makes him beat all 1,000 soldiers to death with a donkey's jawbon...
April 17, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 4
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10:03
Ep 39 - The Epic Story of Samson (part 1)
A woman has a son after years of trying and due to the advice of an angel, can never cut his hair. This young man grows up to be freakishly strong and even more emotionally unstable. After somehow getting his parent's blessing to marry a Philis...
April 08, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 3
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11:34
Ep 38 - Human Sacrifice, Fratricide, and Dialect Based Genocide
After the death of Gideon we see his 70 (yes, fucking SEVENTY) sons fight for power leading to the rise of Abimelek... and then the fall of Abimelek shortly afterwards.Following him are a few other leaders who didn't do much and then ...
April 03, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 3
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9:32
Ep 37 - Deborah's Song and Gideon vs Midian
This episode starts with Deborah's song, which is all about what we just went over last episode as well as saying that the victory in the last battle gave every Israelite man two sex slaves and every Israelite woman some colorful garments.<...
March 27, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 2
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9:23
Ep 36 - Turmoil, Assassinations, and The First Female Ruler of Israel.
After Joshua died, there wasn't a clear ruler of the nation of Israel. God appointed, or more likely, they themselves appointed, the Tribe of Judah to lead charges into battle, but the need for war was slowing down. After cutting Adoni Be...
March 19, 2023
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Season 7
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Episode 1
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10:31
Ep 35 - The End of Joshua
Joshua heroically sweeps through several more cities, killing every single person inside (including the children) before he has a new idea; he decides to be even more cruel and starts slashing the hamstrings of the horses of the people he kille...
March 12, 2023
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6:38
Ep 34 - Joshua Stops the Sun and Moon... To Kill More People
After Jericho, Joshua set his sights on the nearby city of Ai. But since one of his soldiers at Jericho kept a few things for himself, God decided to punish the OTHER soldiers who were invading Ai, resulting in all 3,000 of them dying. After th...
February 26, 2023
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11:17
Ep 33 - The Rise of Joshua & the Fall of Jericho
Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan to investigate the city of Jericho. The city that had the tallest skyscraper of its time at a whopping 28 feet tall. They spent all their time with a cool sex worker named Rahab and she kep...
February 14, 2023
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Season 6
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Episode 1
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9:06
Ep 32 - The End of Moses
Moses was racing against time here to get all of his rules written down before he dies so there really isn't a lot of logic here in how they come out. But they do clarify on a few things, like what to do if your wife grabs the dick of another m...
January 29, 2023
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Season 5
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Episode 3
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10:28
Ep 31 - God REALLY Wants You to Kill a Lot of People
Moses is on his way out, after 40 years of wandering around the desert. So he starts making sure people remember the stuff he's been saying over the last 40 years (the stuff that's already written in other books and we've already gone over.)
January 23, 2023
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Season 5
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Episode 2
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8:14